


Not Gay

by PageofD



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Asexuality, Carlos-centric, Gen, M/M, Trans Carlos, self-indulgent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 15:29:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8214256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PageofD/pseuds/PageofD
Summary: Carlos had his first boyfriend when he was in the fourth grade. Not that it meant much then, when Carlos barely understood what it meant to have a boyfriend, when Carlos didn’t even go by Carlos. --Just a little drabble written at like 1am on my phone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First off, huge thanks to Emono, my dear friend and great editor who waded through my 'so many fukkin typos I'm so sorry' mess and gave me this back.  
> Secondly, this was just a thing I needed to write as a kind of cathartic release bcus some of this shit would not leave me alone at 1am (this is loosely based on my life/relationships so it is very self-indulgent like that)  
> But thirdly  
> This was also written because yknow  
> Sometimes we all need a Cecil to give us a secondary sexual awakening.

Carlos had his first boyfriend when he was in the fourth grade. Not that it meant much then, when Carlos barely understood what it meant to have a boyfriend, when Carlos didn’t even go by Carlos. It was just a status symbol based around the school discos, it was cool to say you had someone you were ‘going with’, and then the other kids said they were dating and that was it.

 

They lasted through all the grade four dances and halfway through the first term of grade five they shared a kiss, Carlos' first, just a quick peck under the ‘mistletoe’ one of their friends had found. The kiss didn't mean much, the relationship as a whole didn't mean much, and it barely lasted when the other kid changed schools and told Carlos, through a third-party friend, that he was gay. Which, now Carlos looks back on it, is actually kind of funny in hindsight.

Carlos' second boyfriend was two years older than him, in grade nine while Carlos fumbled his way through year seven and the politics of how long you wore a school skirt. He was the son of a family friend and Carlos didn't want to make things uncomfortable by turning his advances down. So they dated, which still didn't mean much to them. They kissed, and the guy had a few squeezes at Carlos’ rapidly filling-out chest but beyond that it wasn't much. The guy often tried to get Carlos alone which always made Carlos shift and fumble for an excuse, but then the issue would be dropped and everything cruised along like usual. 

That break up was more subdued. Carlos and his family moved interstate halfway through grade eight and the distance meant their relationship didn't work so well, so it dispersed through time, distance, and not enough Facebook messages.

Two weeks into his first term at his new school one of carlos’ new friends kissed him. It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it just was. And so Carlos let it happen again and again, in different locations and eventually with groping hands added into the equation. It only ever happened at school and was almost always interrupted by a teacher. (They were never caught before they'd had time to straighten themselves out, luckily). 

That breakup was messy and drawn out. The guy told Carlos he had a crush on one of their lesbians friends and broke it off because said friend was going through a ‘I'm actually pan’ phase and he thought he stood a chance with her. It hurt Carlos but more because it messed with his routine of making out at lunch and left him with too much time to think about all the things that were wrong with him.

Then Carlos found his interest in girls. Their bodies were softer, nicer to hold, and they didn't leave stubble burn across his cheeks when he was done kissing them, but even with that knowledge tucked under his belt he still clung to the hope of his boyfriend realising he was an idiot and would come back to Carlos with apologies and kisses.

None of that happened.

Instead, for no discernible reason, Carlos got slapped and ran away in tears. He also swore off guys in the same step because really was it worth it when there were girls?

Carlos barely scraped through high school and barely made it into uni, with a mind filled with hesitant and vague self-diagnoses and a shifting sense of self.

A year into uni and Carlos failed half his classes, was officially diagnosed with mild anxiety and depressive symptoms that could easily slide into full depression, and a slightly stronger sense of self which started with transgender and ended with straight. Carlos got help. He saw a therapist once every few weeks, got his act together in class, came out to his supportive but not fully comprehending parents and eventually graduated top of his class with a degree in science.

He spent years working for the university he graduated from. Researching, teaching. Always on casual contracts doing just whatever was needed. And then the Night Vale job came through. He took it. He didn't really have anything going for him, no partner he had to talk it over with, not having dated since high school, so as soon as he'd read the information he'd said yes and started packing his things.

Night Vale's location, on the northern edge of Texas, raised some concerns with some of the team members he wanted. It was still far enough south that there was probably a lot of homophobia, transphobia, and racism to go around. Carlos himself wasn't worried. He wasn't gay, had been on hormones and had enough surgeries to pass unquestioning everywhere but in a doctor's office, and he was long used to racism, part of growing up a mixed race kid in a mostly white neighbourhood, but he let those with concerns voice them and step down if they wanted to.

Then what was left of the team set off for Night Vale.

By the time he'd finished his degree, Carlos had comfortably established his sexuality as asexual. He'd spent months fretting over it because he still masturbated and had wet dreams and fantasies occasionally but he never saw someone and thought he’d want to fuck them. He had a gay friend in high school who used to say she'd go straight for James Masters, and then would continue on saying ‘but who wouldn't, I mean look at his face' while Carlos, still in school skirts then and his frizzy hair restrained in plaits, would blink blankly and shrug, not willing to commit vocally one way or another.

It wasn't until the city meeting on his first day in Night Vale that he hadn't reason to question himself.

When the radio host, Cecil Palmer, had stood up to ask a question Carlos had frozen, mouth hanging slightly open and heart pounding in his chest because, you see, Cecil Palmer was gorgeous. High cheekbones and full lips and the most unbelievable eyelashes that combined with a rich smooth voice that flowed over Carlos like velvet to make the scientists knees wobble and made him cling to the podium just to stay upright. it wasn't until much later, lying in bed and listening to Cecil proclaim he ‘fell in love instantly' that Carlos thought to question himself.

Because he wasn't gay.

Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, you can find me on Tumblr at lonelyboyinthelab.tumblr.com


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